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The Wonder of Wymvalta

November 11, 2008


The financial chaos in the world is enough to bring even the happiest person a twinge of depression. I myself can get a little verklempt at times but I don’t usually fall into the abyss of despair. But you have to have your head in the clouds and avoid all newspapers and magazines to keep a positive attitude.

            If you’re feeling a little blue, you might want to avoid any television. But if you like to relax in front of the tube, watch out for a commercial for a prescription drug for depression. For sake of avoiding all lawsuits, call it Wymvalta.

            Even if my day is going great, when the commercial comes on and that background music begins, I turn a deeper, darker shade of blue. The commercial is enough to bring on full scale depression.

            As I hear the music and watch the sad faces, I prepare to call my doctor for a prescription that he can call to the 24 hour CVS drugstore.

            But before I do, I have to listen closely to the fast-paced auctioneer-type announcer recite the following:

All medicines may cause side effects, but many people have no, or minor, side effects. Check with your doctor if any of these most COMMON side effects persist or become bothersome when using Wymvalta Delayed-Release Capsules: Blurred vision; constipation; decreased sexual desire or ability; diarrhea; dizziness; drowsiness; dry mouth; headache; increased sweating; loss of appetite; muscle aches; nausea; sore throat; tiredness; trouble sleeping; vomiting.

Seek medical attention right away if any of these SEVERE side effects occur when using Wymvalta Delayed-Release Capsules:

Severe allergic reactions (rash; hives; itching; difficulty breathing; tightness in the chest; swelling of the mouth, face, lips, or tongue); bizarre behavior; confusion; excessive sweating; dark urine; fainting; fast or irregular heartbeat; fever or chills; hallucinations; loss of coordination; new or worsening agitation, anxiety, panic attacks, aggressiveness, impulsiveness, irritability, hostility, restlessness, or inability to sit still; red, swollen, blistered, or peeling skin; seizures; severe or persistent nausea, vomiting, or diarrhea; severe or persistent trouble sleeping; suicidal thoughts or attempts; tremor; trouble urinating; unusual or severe mental or mood changes; worsening of depression; yellowing of the skin or eyes.

Then, after this fast-speed laundry list of potential side effects, the faces turn happy and the music becomes light and cheery.

Now, I’m no longer depressed. I’m constipated, dizzy, aching, tired, confused, anxious, restless, and I’m becoming suicidal. So I decide to turn off the TV and go to the toilet. But I have trouble peeing and when it comes out, it’s dark, like liquid diarrhea.

Now, I’m really depressed and go to bed, but I can’t sleep.

Maybe it’s time for Bluenesta, the little blue pill.

I think I’ll just stick with counting imaginary sheep and hope in the next morning, I will have forgotten everything.

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