The Shlomimeister

Believe it or not, it’s only $19.95. And if you pick up that phone now, we’ll add two Sham Wow towels plus the Slap Chop, for no extra charge! Can you say, “Holy hellsapoppin!?”

How many times when you’ve bitten your tongue, have you thought, wow, what a shmuck I am?

Better yet, have you ever had your tongue bitten by someone else and when you struggled to pull your mouth away, the tongue-biter held on for dear life and would not let go? No, don’t go getting ice cubes from the freezer. Instead, get your Shlomimeister today. Just suck on one of our Shlomimeisters and your pain will instantly disappear.

How do we do it? Call it instant Novocaine, the stick that has the trick. No, not that trick. Instead, we use a secret anesthetic ingredient in our lollipop that takes your pain away instantly, 12 times as much as the nearest pain reliever. And it’s even made in Germany. You know the Germans make good stuff. Just think Mercedes and Hindenburg. And better yet, the Shlomimeister doesn’t drip and doesn’t make a mess. You’ll say, “Wow, Shlomi, every time.”

Believe it or not, it’s only $19.95. And if you pick up that phone now, we’ll add two Sham Wow towels plus the Slap Chop, for no extra charge! Can you say, “Holy hellsapoppin!?”

I can only imagine the commercial above when I think of the Sham Wow pitchman, also known for his food choppers, arrested last month. Who knew his real name was Vince Shlomi? I just think of him as Sham Wow, and now can more comfortably see him as Scam Now. Shlomi, 44, was arrested last month on a felony battery charge following a violent confrontation with a prostitute in his South Beach hotel room. According to an arrest affidavit, (“The Smoking Gun,” March 27, 2009) Shlomi met Sasha Harris, 26, at a Miami Beach nightclub on February 7 and subsequently retired with her to his $750 room at the lavish Setai hotel. Shlomi told cops he paid Harris about $1000 in cash after she “propositioned him for straight sex.” Shlomi said that when he kissed Harris, she suddenly “bit his tongue and would not let go.” Shlomi then punched Harris several times until she released his tongue. The affidavit noted that during the 4 AM fight Harris sustained facial fractures and lacerations all over her face. After freeing his tongue, a bleeding Shlomi ran to the Setai lobby, where security summoned cops.

So say it with me, “KEBLAM POW!” (just like on the old TV Batman series.) I wonder if Shlomi used one of his Sham Wow towels to wipe up the blood from his tongue.

You know, it sometimes feels good to give one of these famous celebrity hucksters (think Madoff, Kwame, Spitzer) some good old American shame. Okay, what should I have against Shlomi besides him being too darn slick and effective in selling some German-made overpriced crap? About two months ago, I walked into Bed, Bath, and Beyond and they were unloading two pallets of Sham Wow. I was so happy I didn’t fall for the con and give them $19.95 for some towels.

I knew if I bought them that I would never use them. When I want to clean up dirty liquid spilled on the floor, I like to throw out the paper towels, not twist them in the sink and save them for later.

Paper doesn’t last forever in the environment. I’ll be Sham Wow does.

Now, can we get this Shlomi face off the TV once and for all? His 15 minutes of fame have long ago expired.