Did You Hear the One about the Health Care Bill?
"Sen. Arlen Specter, facing more jeers and taunts during another town hall meeting Wednesday, sought to defuse tensions about health care reform debate with a few jokes." Associated Press, August 11, 2009
More than a few hundred Pennsylvania citizens came to a Town Hall meeting to let Senator Arlen Specter know what they thought about the Congressional Health Care bill. This time, Specter was ready for the angry rants.
Katy Abram (stay-at-home mother from Lebanon): You have awakened a sleeping giant! I don't want this country turning into Russia, turning into a socialized country!
Senator Spector: I don’t know about turning into Russia, but did you hear the one about George W. Bush? George W. Bush was walking through an airport last week, when he saw an old man with white hair, a long white beard, wearing a long white robe and holding a staff.
He walked up to the man, who was staring at the ceiling, and said, "Excuse me sir, aren't you Moses?" The man stood perfectly still and continued to stare at the ceiling, saying nothing.
Again George W asked, a little louder this time, "Excuse me sir, aren't you Moses?"
Again the old man stared at the ceiling motionless without saying a word.
George W tried a third time, louder yet. "Excuse me sir, aren't you Moses?" Again, no movement or words from the old man.
He continued to stare at the ceiling.
One of George W's aides asked him if there was a problem and George W said, "Either this man is deaf or extremely rude. I have asked him 3 times if he was Moses, and he has not answered me yet."
To which the man, still staring at the ceiling finally replied, "I can hear you and yes, I am Moses, but the last time I spoke to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the wilderness."
Sam Spritzer (franchise owner of a McDonald’s Restaurant): Don’t blame it on George. This plan is going to kill small businesses like ours. How are we going to be able to pay for the higher taxes and higher costs of health insurance for our employees?
Senator Specter: Did you say you worked for McDonald’s? Talking about fast food, did you hear the one about kosher food in a mental institution? Morris Cohen was a patient in a mental institution and he argued long and hard that he must be served only kosher food.
Finally, sick of arguing with him and unable to avoid the extra work and expense, the director of the institution acquiesced and for much expense he had kosher meals specially prepared daily.
Some time later, on the Sabbath, the director was strolling around the grounds, when he came upon Cohen sitting in a chair and smoking a cigar.
"Wait a minute, Cohen," he said. "I thought you were so religious that we had to bring in special food for you. And now you are smoking on the Sabbath!! What a hypocrite!!!"
"But doctor," Cohen replied. "Did you forget? I'm meshuggah."
Lisa Redmond: You guys in Congress, all you want to do is soak the people who can afford health insurance and give it to people who can’t!!
Senator Specter: You have a point about the rich and poor. By the way, did you hear this one about health insurance for the rich?
Lord Rothchild was dying from a serious illness. A poor Jew comes and tells him that he has the cure.
"What is it"? Asks Rothchild.
"It is simple," says the poor man. "Move to our community and I'm sure you will recuperate."
"How are you so sure?"
"Because no rich man ever died in our part of town," says the poor man.
Joey Lebowitz (former insurance rep for AIG): The way it’s going, we’re all going to have to pay a fortune to be able to get to see the doctor we want! We’ll be put on endless waiting lists like in Canada!!
Senator Spector: That reminds me about the doctor who charges a fortune. An elderly Jewish man has just moved to a new town, when he is taken ill and decides that he needs to see a doctor. In the waiting room at the surgery, he tries to find out a bit about the doctor.
He asks the man sitting next to him if the doctor is a specialist. The man replies that the doctor specializes in everything. The Jewish man thinks about this and looks nervous. He asks the man if the doctor's fees are expensive. The man says: "Well, he is and he isn't. You see, he charges you one thousand dollars for your first visit." The Jewish man looks even more worried now and exclaims in amazement, "A thousand dollars?" The man replies, "Yes, but all your visits after that for the rest of your life are free!"
The Jewish man thinks about this, and then gets called by the nurse to go in to see the doctor. On entering the doctor's office he says casually, "Hello doctor, here I am again!"
Sarah Palin (ex-Governor-now-citizen from Alaska): What gives you liberals in Congress the right to decide who will live or die? You are going to force me to stand in front of a “death panel” to argue for the life of my baby with Down Syndrome!!
Senator Specter: Come on, Sarah. Do you really think we’re going to decide who dies? Which reminds me of the one about a guy who has to bury his wife. Sadly, slowly, Duved Krekman entered the headquarters of the Lantsmon's Philanthropic League. He trudged into the office of the Executive Secretary and sighed, "Glaser, I'm here." He sat down. "I have to make arrangements for the League to bury my wife."
"Krekman!" exclaimed Mr. Glaser. "Don't you remember? We buried your darling wife two years ago!"
Mr. Krekman nodded. "I remember, I remember. That was my first wife. I'm here about my second."
"Second? Mazel tov! I didn't know you remarried."
Sarah Palin: Krekman remarried his dead wife? What a schmuck!
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